"What's another word for thesaurus?" - Steven Wright.
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." - Terry Pratchett.
"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage." - Ambrose Bierce
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" - Steven Wright.
"If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving." - Henry Youngman.
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." - Jimmy Durante.
"Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos." - Homer Simpson
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." - Charles Lamb.
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." - Mario Andretti.
"Whoever said 'nothings impossible' never tried to nail jell-o to a tree" - Lisa Bryant
"If they can send one man to the moon why can't they send them all?" - Amy
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"- Anon