"What's another word for thesaurus?" - Steven Wright.
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." - Terry Pratchett.

"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage." - Ambrose Bierce

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" - Steven Wright.

"If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving." - Henry Youngman.

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." - Jimmy Durante.

"Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos." - Homer Simpson

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." - Charles Lamb.

"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." - Mario Andretti.

"Whoever said 'nothings impossible' never tried to nail jell-o to a tree" - Lisa Bryant

"If they can send one man to the moon why can't they send them all?" - Amy

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"- Anon
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  1. whoever said 'nothing's impossible' never tried slamming a revolving door.