Quotes by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. - Mark Twain

There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice. - Mark Twain

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. - Mark Twain

Always do right; this will gratify some and astonish the rest. - Mark Twain

It is easier to stay out than get out. - Mark Twain

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. - Mark Twain

The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right. - Mark Twain

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. - Mark Twain

To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence. - Mark Twain

We consider that any man who can fiddle all through one of those Virginia Reels without losing his grip, may be depended upon in any kind of musical emergency. - Mark Twain

Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand. - Mark Twain

Golf is a good walk spoiled. - Mark Twain

Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well. - Mark Twain

When you cannot get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one. - Mark Twain

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a man and a dog. - Mark Twain

Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it. - Mark Twain

The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. - Mark Twain

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething. - Mark Twain

Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. - Mark Twain

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. - Mark Twain

Giving up smoking is easy...I've done it hundreds of times. - Mark Twain

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. - Mark Twain

It is better to have old second-hand diamonds than none at all. - Mark Twain

The report of my death was an exaggeration. - Mark Twain

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. - Mark Twain

Buy land. They've stopped making it. - Mark Twain

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. - Mark Twain

The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. - Mark Twain

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. - Mark Twain

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. - Mark Twain

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. - Mark Twain

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. - Mark Twain

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed. - Mark Twain

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. - Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. - Mark Twain

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided. - Mark Twain

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. - Mark Twain

You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label. - Mark Twain

Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again. - Mark Twain

The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up. - Mark Twain

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. - Mark Twain

Put all your eggs in one basket, and watch that basket! - Mark Twain

All generalizations are false, including this one. - Mark Twain

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. - Mark Twain

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. - Mark Twain

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often. - Mark Twain

Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. - Mark Twain

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes. - Mark Twain

Classic... A book which people praise and don't read. - Mark Twain

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. - Mark Twain

In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards. - Mark Twain

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough. - Mark Twain

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. - Mark Twain

Get the facts first. You can distort them later. - Mark Twain

When in doubt, tell the truth. - Mark Twain

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. - Mark Twain

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them. - Mark Twain

The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. - Mark Twain

If you have nothing to say, say nothing. - Mark Twain

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not. - Mark Twain

Quotes From Will Smith

Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like. - Will Smith

You can cry, ain't no shame in it. - Will Smith

I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. - Will Smith

Money and success don't change people; they merely amplify what is already there. - Will Smith

Well, all I know is what I read in the papers. - Will Smith

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. - Will Smith

So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. - Will Smith

I ain't heard no fat lady! - Will Smith - Independance Day

[What would you say if a man walked in here with no shirt and I hired him? What would you say?] He must have had on some really nice pants. - Will Smith - Pursuit of Happyness

I hear you lost your swing. I guess we got to go find it. - Will Smith - Bagger Vance

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. - Will Smith

Carlton, I think you've been deprived of oxygen at birth. - Will Smith - Fresh Prince of Bell Air

Could you drop me off at the beach? No, scratch that. Drop me off a couple of blocks from the beach. The honeys will get nervous if they see me with a midget. - Will Smith - Fresh Prince of Bell Air

Uncle Phil, I don't think all this legal talk is gonna work. I mean, the only legal phrase these people know is, "Will the defendant please rise?" - Will Smith - Fresh Prince of Bell Air

Ding dong the cricket's dead, Ashley's grounded now you all go to bed. - Will Smith - Fresh Prince of Bell Air

Ain't nobody gonna make me forget about my fiance. I love, Lucy. - Will Smith - Fresh Prince of Bell Air

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't driving around on a bus and having a campfire kind of adding to the environment problem? - Will Smith - Fresh Prince of Bell Air

Let's get one thing straight, I don't look like Carlton, I don't act like Carlton, and most importantly I don't look like Carlton! - Will Smith - Fresh Prince of Bell Air

Having her home all the time is great. She picks our clothes out for us, makes our lunches, cuts the crust off the ends of our bread...That women must be stopped! - Will Smith - Fresh Prince of Bell Air

Lying to mommy Hilary? I feel revenge is in my grasp. This looks like a job for Sherlock Homeboy. - Will Smith - Fresh Prince of Bell Air

He trips underwater. Now who in the halibut trips underwater? And by the way, on what? - Will Smith as Oscar in Shark Tale

Ernie! Bernie! My jellyfish brothers! Booyakah! - Will Smith as Oscar in Shark Tale

Sometimes I just be coughing for nothin'! - Will Smith as Oscar in Shark Tale

You tell Don Lame-o that I don't ever, ever, ever, never ever want to see another shark around this reef again! Ever! - Will Smith as Oscar in Shark Tale

Gordon, when you tell this story to your grandkids, you be sure to leave this part out. - Will Smith as Captain James West in Wild Wild West

I have a telegram for a Dr. Loveless. It's from his mother, Irene. She's telling him to come on home, stop all this foolishness. - Will Smith as Captain James West in Wild Wild West

He has an 80-foot tarantula. - Will Smith as Captain James West in Wild Wild West

Well, Dr. Loveless. I bet you thought that was pretty funny, dancing on my head and all. Now, if you ask me, someone owes someone else here an apology. - Will Smith as Captain James West in Wild Wild West

Scooby Doo Quotes

I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids. - Villain

Let's do what we do best Scoob, eat. - Shaggy

Now listen up, there is absolutely no such thing as a... MONSTER! - Freddy

Scooby-Doo, where are you? - Shaggy

Let's split up, gang! - Freddy

Jinkies! - Velma

Nice work Scoob! - Freddy

This place makes me so nervious, all I can think of is food! - Shaggy

Zoinks, it's the creepy coin collector again! - Shaggy

Scooby, like wow! Too late! He's gone to that great boneyard in the sky! - Shaggy

Maybe we can dig up some answers to this mystery! - Freddy

No Shaggy, we're going to Solve this mystery! - Freddy

Well gang, I guess that wraps up the mystery. - Freddy

Scooby Doobie Doooo! - Scooby Doo

Would you do it for a Scoobie Snack? - Daffanie

It sure would help if we could find another clue! - Freddy

Like wow! Look at all them finger prints - Shaggy

Wait a minute, Ghosts can't leave fingerprints! - Daffanie

Like there's times I'll do anything for a Scoobie Snack - Shaggy

Zoinks, It's the goonie ghost! - Shaggy

He thought he could scare you into giving up the family fortune - Freddy

Spider Man Quotes

Go web. Fly. Up, up, and away web! Shazam! Go! Go! Go web go! Tally ho! - Peter Parker

I dont suppose I could convince you to come up here and fight like a spider? - Spider Man

Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. - Spider Man

We'll meet again, Spider-Man! - Green Goblin

Work was murder! - Green Goblin

Can Spider-Man come out to play? - Green Goblin

Oh come on, now, you're not gonna fall for the old 'command to attack' ploy, are you? - Spider Man

You've spun your last web, Spider-Man. - Green Goblin

The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the water spout. Down came the Goblin and took the spider out. - Green Goblin

You are so fat that your high school yearbook photo was taken from a helicopter! Ooh, tough room. Ok, how about... you're so fat that when you get on a scale, it says "One At a Time". - Spider Man

It's not nice to rob banks in Mr. Spiderman's neighborhood. Can you say, "I'm going to jail"? - Spider Man

Oh! I think I just shot webs out of my nose! - Spider Man

I haven't seen you this angry since the Colonel wouldn't tell you his recipe for his secret spices. - Spider Man

Did it ever occur to you that maybe...just maybe...if you’re nice to people, they might LET you rule the world? - Spider Man

Holographic zombies? Where'd you get the idea from... Scooby-Doo? - Spider Man

Can you spell rhetorical? - Spider Man

Your belly button makes an echo - Spider Man

If you were a truck you would have a wide load sign. When you back up you can hear a beeping sound. - Spider Man

Quotes from Hanna Montana

Yall wouldn't last 10 minutes in Tennessee!

Sweet Niblets!

Being a teenage girl is harder than going through a balloon shop with a porcupine purse.

Hi Hi!

Like walking barefoot through a field of cows after their mornin sit-down.

Yanked him out like a hungry raccoon in a doughnut shop dumpster.

That boy flip-flops more than a catfish in a moon bouncer.

Sweet Nibblets!

You buy a thirsty man a cow and he'll have all the milk he wants, but he still won't have enough to wash down his cookies.

Ya Think?

It's on like mud on a pig.

Bunny man say what?

Mean girl say what?

Weirdo say what?

You don't have to be a rocket scientist to smell like one.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0

The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it's twice as big as it needs to be.

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paper clips."

Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code.

To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password.

To go forward, you must backup

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. - Paul Erdos

If there is a God, he's a great mathematician. - Paul Dirac

Mathematics is radical!

You don't have to be a rocket scientist to smell like one.

You might be qualified to work for NASA if...

• you're insulted at jokes about rocket scientists
  
  
• you wear a T-Shirt that says "Mathematicians count!"
  
  
• you have no life and can prove it mathematically
  
  
• you take the derivative of the square root of your apple pie.
  
  
• you wear a T-Shirt that says "Physicists matter!"
  
  
• you frequently whistle the theme song to "Mission Impossible"
  
  
• your college professors ask you for help teaching the lesson
  
  
• your primary diet is soda and day-old pizza
  
  
• you go to the store and contemplate how you would have designed the cash register
  
  
• your idea of weekend fun is to write instruction sets for your pet robot dog

Quotes from Way of the Master Radio

I'm a lemming. Lead me to the cliff. - Tony, Way of the Master Radio

Wow! You're Lipbidextrous. - Tony, Way of the Master Radio

So, everybody got together for an evolutionary meeting, took a vote, and decided that the best solution was to evolve feet. - Todd Friel, Way of the Master Radio

That's Mr. Mr. Friel to you! - Todd Friel, Way of the Master Radio

Schmooley! Schmooley! Schmooley! - Todd Friel, Way of the Master Radio

Say this simple prayer, and see what happens! Not! - Todd Friel, Way of the Master Radio

That was a complete dog's breakfast! - Todd Friel, Way of the Master Radio

My god is Brutus Beefcake, am I wrong? - Todd Friel, Way of the Master Radio

Wait a second, are we still on? - Todd Friel, Way of the Master Radio

Oh no!!! I was only kidding about Jesus being better than drugs. - Todd Friel, Way of the Master Radio

I feel very confident that I can bench press you. I'm drinking vitamin water. - Todd Friel, Way of the Master Radio

Read your bible & pray. Next Question. - Announcer, Way of the Master Radio

I could see their point, sort of. Well... if I had a concussion - Tony, Way of the Master Radio

Without further adue... and we all know, this show has plenty of dew. - Todd Friel, Way of the Master Radio

This isn't Jazz! This is infinite monkeys on infinite instruments annoying me. - Tony, Way of the Master Radio

Put it in my thingie magiggie bob. Thank you. I don't want to get all technical about the lingo. - Todd Friel, Way of the Master Radio

Way of the Master Radio

Quotes from Johnny Carson

Your chances of getting struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!" - Johnny Carson

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair. - Johnny Carson

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. - Johnny Carson

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.- Johnny Carson

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. - Johnny Carson

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money. - Johnny Carson

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. - Johnny Carson


Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. - Johnny Carson

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner. - Johnny Carson

People will pay more to be entertained than educated. - Johnny Carson

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved. - Johnny Carson

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. - Johnny Carson

We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style. - Johnny Carson

Michael Jordan Quotes

I can accept failure, but I can't accept not trying. - Michael Jordan

Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence win championships. - Michael Jordan

Just play. Have fun. Enjoy the game. - Michael Jordan

I never looked at the consequences of missing a big shot... when you think about the consequences you always think of a negative result. - Michael Jordan

Always turn a negative situation into a positive situation. - Michael Jordan

I've failed over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed. - Michael Jordan

I don't do things half-heartedly. Because I know if I do, then I can expect half-hearted results. - Michael Jordan

You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them. - Michael Jordan

There is no "i" in team but there is in win. - Michael Jordan

I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. - Michael Jordan

Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence wins championships. - Michael Jordan

My body could stand the crutches but my mind couldn't stand the sideline. - Michael Jordan

If you're trying to achieve, there will be roadblocks... But obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it. - Michael Jordan

My heroes are and were my parents. I can't see having anyone else as my heroes. - Michael Jordan

Thanks guys, you got a lot of... a lot of... well, whatever it is, you got a lot of it. - Michael Jordan - Space Jam

Listen, this is a man's game. You can't play! - Michael Jordan - Space Jam

Steve Martin Quotes

I want a Hamburger. - Steve Martin - The Pink Panther

Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything! - Steve Martin

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is. - Steve Martin

Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty. - Steve Martin

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin

I am a wild and crazy guy! - Steve Martin

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot. - Steve Martin

I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness. - Steve Martin

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. - Steve Martin

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper. - Steve Martin

I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't. - Steve Martin

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. - Steve Martin

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that. - Steve Martin

What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke. - Steve Martin

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well. - Steve Martin

You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies. - Steve Martin

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair. - Steve Martin

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars. - Steve Martin
You son of a motherless goat! - Steve Martin

She had the personality of a ZIP code in Kansas! - Steve Martin

A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true. - Steve Martin

I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers. - Steve Martin

Well, we're just gonna have to use our brains. - Steve Martin

Let us just say: I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it, because I was so happy all the time. - Steve Martin

I know we've only known each other 4 weeks and 3 days, but to me it seems like 9 weeks and 5 days. - Steve Martin

The greatest thing you can do is suprise yourself. - Steve Martin

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work. - Steve Martin

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them. - Steve Martin

The Incredibles Movie Quote

No matter how many times you save the world, it always manages to get back in jeopardy again. Sometimes I just want it to stay saved, you know? - Mr Incredible - The Incredibles


In a stunning turn of events, a superhero is being sued for saving someone who, apparently, didn't want to be saved. - The Incredibles

Oh my you've gotten fat. - Edna Mode - The Incredibles

They keep finding new ways to celebrate mediocrity. - Mr Incredible - The Incredibles

So now I am in deep trouble. I mean one more jolt of this death ray and I am an epitaph. Somehow I manage to find cover, and what does Baron von Ruthless do? He starts monologuing! He starts like this prepared speech about how feeble I am compared to him, how inevitable my defeat is, how the world will soon be his. - Frozone - The Incredibles

You're trying to pick a fight, but I'm still just happy you're alive! - Mr Incredible - The Incredibles

Luck favors the prepaired. - Edna Mode - The Incredibles

There's no school like the old school! - The Incredibles

This is the part where you run away. - The Incredibles

SpongeBob Squarepants Quotes

Isn't this great Squidward? Its just the 3 of us. You, me, and this brick wall you built between us. - Spongebob Squarepants

You mean what we thought they thought we think and thought they thought. We think? - Patrick

Lets get naked! - Patrick


I smell the smelly smell of something that smells smelly. - Mr. Krabs

Oh, barnacles! - Spongebob Squarepants

Squidward, you're steaming. You're like a steamed vegetable, only smarter! - Spongebob Squarepants

Next, I suppose you'll want me to go square-dancing with Patrick! - Squidward

Rectangles! - Patrick

Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets! - Spongebob Squarepants

Can't have dirty garbage! - Spongebob Squarepants

This city needs to be destroyed!!! Or at least painted another color. - Squidward


I can't see my forehead! - Patrick

My ice cream! It's alive! - Patrick

Oh well, I guess I'm not wearing any pants today! - Spongebob Squarepants

Did I? Did I Patrick? Or did your criminal mind hypnotize me into stealing the balloon? - Spongebob Squarepants

Moss always points to civilization. - Spongebob Squarepants

We'd better do what he says, he knows how to grow food. - Patrick

Too bad SpongeBob isn't here to enjoy SpongeBob not being here. - Squidward

You can't fool me. I listen to public radio! - Squidward

Patrick! You forgot how to eat again! Come on, I'll get the funnel! - Spongebob Squarepants

Guess what I found in my sock last night. Go ahead, guess! - Spongebob Squarepants

I just thought of something even funnier than 24... 25! - Spongebob Squarepants

Excuse me, sir, but you're sitting on my body, which is also my face. - Spongebob Squarepants

Gary, I'm absorbing his blows like I'm made of some sort of spongy material. - Spongebob Squarepants

You tell 'em, SpongeBob! - Patrick

I'm so cold, I can use my nose drippings as chopsticks. - Spongebob Squarepants

Sponge, I'm a big man. A big, big man! - Patrick

Squidward, your ceiling is talking to me. - Patrick

Emeril Lagasse Quotes

BAM! - Emeril Lagasse

This is so good, you can eat it off a bumper. - Emeril Lagasse

Let's kick it up a notch! - Emeril Lagasse

Oh yeah, babe! - Emeril Lagasse


So not too long ago I said to myself, "Self, why not write a special cookbook..." - Emeril Lagasse

We'll add a little pinch of cin-in-in-muh-mum - Emeril Lagasse

Kickin' it up to notches unknown Baby! - Emeril Lagasse

Get to know your bird - Emeril Lagasse

Use your knob - Emeril Lagasse

We aren't building rocket ships here! - Emeril Lagasse

"...and about 88 cloves of garlic - Emeril Lagasse

It's ok ma'm, I do this for a living - Emeril Lagasse

They've got lunatics across the street. We've got Food! - Emeril Lagasse

Make some friends! - Emeril Lagasse

I don't know where you buy your flour, but mine doesn't come seasoned! - Emeril Lagasse

More stuff about Emeril

Alton Brown

Warning: if you’ve received an email from me…you probably didn’t. - Alton Brown

I am after all a Georgia boy despite the fact that I was born in California. (Both my parents were from Georgia...they just got a little lost when they got married is all). - Alton Brown


someone out there may suspect that I don’t know my grits... which is almost too much for me to bare. - Alton Brown

I have decided to move from the planet. I’m sorry but I simply cannot remain on a world where Paris Hilton is allowed to publish “memoirs”. - Alton Brown

If that thought-provoking line doesn’t calm your overwrought culinary sensibilities, then try this one from Flo down at Mel’s Diner. “Kiss my grits.” - Alton Brown

And if ya don't like it ye can git yer own dang cookin' show. - Alton Brown

Jim Carey Quotes

If I'm not back in a five minutes, wait longer. - Jim Carey - Ace Ventura Pet Dective

Its exactly two seconds 'til I honk your nose and pull your underwear over your head! - Jim Carey - The Mask


Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911? Aaaalrighty then. - Jim Carey - Ace Ventura Pet Dective

Your request is not unlike your lower intestine, stinky and loaded with danger. - Jim Carey - Ace Ventura Pet Dective

No, it wasn't me, it was the one armed men. - Jim Carey - The Mask

Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat. - Jim Carey - Dumb and Dumber

That's it, I've had it with this dump! We got no food, we got no jobs, our pet's heads are falling off!!

Yeah and your ugly. - Jim Carey - Ace Ventura Pet Detective

It's party time. P, A, R, T. Why? Because I gotta! - Jim Carey - The Mask

Fi, fy, fo, fum, I smell the fingerprints of scum. - Jim Carey - Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls

One man's toxic waste is another man's potpourri. - Jim Carey - How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Blast this Christmas music! It's joyful and triumphant. - Jim Carey - How the Grinch Stole Christmas

You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music. - Jim Carey - The Cable Guy

Martha Stewart Quotes

I catnap now and then, but I think while I nap, so it's not a waste of time. - Martha Stewart

I have done nothing wrong. - Martha Stewart

I want you to know that I am innocent - and that I will fight to clear my name. - Martha Stewart

I was married for 30 years. Isn't that enough? I've had my share of dirty underwear on the floor. - Martha Stewart

Life is too complicated not to be orderly. - Martha Stewart

Without an open-minded mind, you can never be a great success. - Martha Stewart

I'm not a sponge exactly, but I find that something I look at is a great opportunity for ideas. - Martha Stewart



I find that when you have a real interest in life and a curious life, that sleep is not the most important thing. - Martha Stewart

I think it's very important that whatever you're trying to make or sell, or teach has to be basically good. A bad product and you know what? You won't be here in ten years. - Martha Stewart

You know, in China they say, 'The thinner the chopsticks, the higher the social status.' Of course, I got the thinnest I could find.....that's why people hate me. - Martha Stewart

Batman and Robin Quotes

Mr. Freeze, give yourself up. We can get help for you... medical help! - Batman

Why is a woman in love like a welder? Because they both carry a torch! - Batman

Egads! What sorcery is this? There was enough paralyzing gas in that cork to keep ordinary men
unconscious for hours! - Joker

You've tripped on one of your tricks this time, Joker! - Robin


No use, Joker! I knew you'd employ your sneezing powder, so I took an Anti-Allergy Pill! Instead of a SNEEZE, I've caught YOU, COLD! - Batman

Here comes the bride, all bagged and tied! - Penguin

Holy bill of rights, Batman! - Robin

Holy haberdashery, Batman! - Robin

Holy atomic pile, Batman! - Robin

Holy priceless collection of Etruscan snoods! - Robin

Holey rusted metal, Batman! The ground. It's all metal. It's full of holes. You know, holey. - Robin

The way we get into these scrapes and get out of them, it's almost as though someone was dreaming up these situations; guiding our destiny. - Robin

The opposite of a girl is a boy! - Robin

It's Alfred's emergency belt-buckle Bat-call signal! He's in trouble! - Batman

I never touch spirits. Have you some milk? - Batman

Same Bat time, Same bat channel. - Narrator

Come on, Robin, to the Bat Cave! There's not a moment to lose! - Batman

Wait til they getta loada me - Joker

Never rub another man's rhubarb. - Joker

I've been dead once already; it's very liberating. You might think of it as... therapy. - Joker

You should have let me in on this. We could have planned it, prepared it, pre-sold the movie rights! - Riddler

Tell the fat lady she's on in five. - Riddler

I hate to disappoint you but my rubber lips are immune to your charms. - Robin

So many people to kill... so little time. - Poision Ivy

Tonight, hell freezes over! - Mr Freeze

It was noble of that animal to hurl himself into the path of that final torpedo. He gave his life for ours - Batman

Bless my dustpan! - Alfred

Holy demolition, Batman! - Robin

Holy heart failure, Batman! - Robin

Holy Long John Silver, Batman! - Robin

Holy Captain Nemo, Batman! - Robin

Holy costume party, Batman! - Robin

The batcomputer is none too frisky today, Batman. - Robin

It's all a blur. Like a horrible day-mare. - Robin

You she-devil! Have you short-circuited Batman's brain? - Robin

I bet Batman is the only one in the world with a hand steady enough to paint false fingerprints. - Robin

An older head can't be put on younger shoulders. - Batman


Stop fiddling with that atomic pile and come down here! - Batman

Careful, Robin. Both hands on the Bat-rope. - Batman

Remember Robin, always look both ways. - Batman

Of course, Robin. Even crime-fighters must eat. And especially you. You're a growing boy and you need your nutrition. - Batman

Better three hours too soon than a minute too late. - Batman

It's sometimes difficult to think clearly when you're strapped to a printing press. - Batman

This is torture, at its most bizarre and terrible. - Batman

If you can't spend it, money's just a lot of worthless paper, isn't it? - Batman

Since there is no life on Mars as we know it, there can be no intelligible Marsish language. - Batman

Whatever is fair in love and war is also fair in crimefighting. - Batman

Planting a timebomb in a local library is a felony. - Batman

Robert Brodrecht

I was thinking... I'm glad computers are better at instructions than a human. if, for example, I had told my computer to download a folder from FTP, and it has tons of stuff in it. It first might decide to make a list of every file to download, then forget to actually create the folder that i tried to download on my desktop. It would then copy the entire directory onto my desktop. After it finishes, it would say, "Ah, crap, I was supposed to put that in a folder!" It would then create the folder and try to remember what all it moved down and try to put it in the folder. Unfortunatly, it would probably forget a few items and falsely remember a few. So, I would end up with several files still on my desktop that were from FTP and several files in the FTP folder that were previously on my desktop. Then I'd have to yell at it until it got it right. - Robert Brodrecht

I'm glad that I'm a pedesterian because I don't have to pull over to the side of the side walk when a fire truck goes by. - Robert Brodrecht

Who is Robert Brodrecht? Go here

Classic Bugs Bunny Quotes

Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive. - Bugs Bunny

OOH! Look at four-legged airplane! - Bugs Bunny

Carrots are devine... You get a dozen for a dime, It's maaaa-gic! - Bugs Bunny

Eeeeeeh, watch me paste that pathetic palooka with a powerful, pachydermous, percussion pitch. - Bugs Bunny


What an embezzle! What an ultramaroon! - Bugs Bunny

I knew I shoulda taken that left turn at Albuquerque! - Bugs Bunny

Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven...'cause it hasn't! - Bugs Bunny

Well, what did you expect in an opera? A happy ending? - Bugs Bunny

Do you happen to know what the penalty is for shooting a fricaseeing rabbit without a fricaseeing rabbit license? - Bugs Bunny

I wonder what the poor bunnies are doing this season? - Bugs Bunny

Oh, well, we almost had a romantic ending! - Bugs Bunny

My, I'll bet you monsters lead innnnteresting lives. - Bugs Bunny

Of course you realize this means war! - Bugs Bunny

Gee, ain't I a stinker? - Bugs Bunny

Here I go with the timid little woodland creature bit again. It's shameful, but...ehhh, it's a living. - Bugs Bunny

I bet you say that to all the wabbits. - Bugs Bunny


For shame, doc. Hunting rabbits with an elephant gun. Why don't you shoot yourself an elephant? - Bugs Bunny

I know this defies the law of gravity, but I never studied law! - Bugs Bunny

Eh, what's up, doc? - Bugs Bunny

Jumpin' without a parachute? Kinda dangerous, ain't it? - Bugs Bunny

If it's the Captain's Mess, let him clean it up. - Bugs Bunny

Hey, I found Nemo! - Bugs Bunny

Shhhhhhhh! I'm about to defy you. - Bugs Bunny

And remember, 'mud' spelled backwards is 'dum'. - Bugs Bunny

Ah, your brother blows bubble gum! - Bugs Bunny

I'll be scared later. Right now I'm too mad. - Bugs Bunny

The way I run this thing you'd think I knew something about it. - Bugs Bunny

Well, it's 5 o'clock somewhere. - Bugs Bunny

Homer J. Simpson

Alright Brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But lets just do this, and I can get back to killing you with beer. - Homer Simpson

Can you believe it!? Pretty soon, I'll be able to quit my job and live off the boy! - Homer Simpson

Kill my boss?!? Do I dare live out the american dream? - Homer Simpson

If something is too hard, give it up. The moral my boy is too never try anything. - Homer Simpson

Son, when you participate in sporting events, its not whether you win or loose, its how drunk you get. - Homer Simpson

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. - Homer Simpson

Marge, old people don't need companionship, they need to be isolated and studied to see what useful nutrients can be obtained from them... - Homer Simpson

Mmmm...Forbidden donut - Homer Simpson

Blame the guy who doesn't speak Engish. - Homer Simpson

You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? - Homer Simpson

Kids, if he (Grandpa) starts acting weird, lead him down into the basement. - Homer Simpson

The other day I was so desperate for a beer, I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers. - Homer Simpson

Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos! - Homer Simpson

Alright Brain...Its all up to you - Homer Simpson

Be quiet, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip - Homer Simpson

Ahh, Beer! My one weakness...my Achilles Heel, if you will... - Homer Simpson

Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat! - Homer Simpson

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family. - Homer Simpson

This donut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit. - Homer Simpson

Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinching my belly to hear my girlish laugh... - Homer Simpson

AHHH. Donuts. . . What can't they do. - Homer Simpson

Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk! - Homer Simpson

If he's so smart, how come he's dead? - Homer Simpson

The food was not undelicious. - Homer Simpson

I don't apologize. I am sorry Lisa, that's the way I am. - Homer Simpson

Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer. Bastard! He's always one step ahead. - Homer Simpson

Do I know what rhetorical means? - Homer Simpson

Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them. - Homer Simpson

I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off! - Homer Simpson

I promised my boy one simple thing : lots of riches, and that man broke my promise! - Homer Simpson

I'm in a place where I don't know where I am! - Homer Simpson

Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk. - Homer Simpson

Lord help me, I'm just not that bright. - Homer Simpson

Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours. - Homer Simpson

Trying is the first step towards failure. - Homer Simpson

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college! - Homer Simpson

There's a New Mexico?!? - Homer Simpson

They have the Internet on computers, now? - Homer Simpson

Wait a minute. I'm a guy like me! - Homer Simpson

Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population : you.' - Homer Simpson

Boy, everyone is stupid except me. - Homer Simpson

Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life? - Homer Simpson