Quotes from Johnny Carson

Your chances of getting struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!" - Johnny Carson

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair. - Johnny Carson

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. - Johnny Carson

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.- Johnny Carson

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. - Johnny Carson

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money. - Johnny Carson

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. - Johnny Carson


Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. - Johnny Carson

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner. - Johnny Carson

People will pay more to be entertained than educated. - Johnny Carson

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved. - Johnny Carson

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. - Johnny Carson

We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style. - Johnny Carson

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