Jerry Seinfield

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day just exactly fits in the newspaper. - Jerry Seinfield

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? - Jerry Seinfield

Introducing 'Lite' - The new way to spell 'Light', but with twenty per cent fewer letters. - Jerry Seinfield

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. - Jerry Seinfield

A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy. - Jerry Seinfield

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. - Jerry Seinfield

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.- Jerry Seinfield

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. - Jerry Seinfield

I see TV ads about detergents that can get blood stains out of your cloths. I say if you have blood stains on your cloths you should be thinking about something other than laundry. - Jerry Seinfield

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? - Jerry Seinfield

Ya know, I don't get it. I'm not allowed to ask a Chinese person where a Chinese restaurant is? Aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? If somebody asks me which way is Israel, I don't fly off the handle. - Jerry Seinfield

If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I've got my life. - Jerry Seinfield

I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that theword "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance.And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror,I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading,you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I thinkthey're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch. - Jerry Seinfield

You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get offwork?" "Around 3 miles." - Jerry Seinfield

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